Unidentified sources reveal that there are behind the scenes discussions at the State Capitol to introduce legislation that would require all legal residents of California to wear Birkenstock Sandals.  No attempt to verify the report was neccessary, since the legislature’s record on such matters combined with the sheer stupidity of the proposal makes it a statistical impossibilty that the report is not true.

Members of the Democratic caucuses in both chambers are reportedly “giddy” at the prospect of moving California a quantum leap forward toward the zen state of “Liberal Utopia”.  “This legislation checks all the boxes”,  one politico gushed.  It adresses footwear inequality, global warming and landfill overcrowding, among other things.  Perhaps most importantly, it reduces the undue influence the Global Footwear Conglomerates have over the California economy.  It was previously believed that the best way to reduce the economic clout of these and other big corporations was to simply destroy the California economy altogether, then those evil corporations would “just go away and leave us alone”.  Those efforts continue apace.

But total destruction of the economy would only go so far – other measures were needed.  A staffer who requested anonymity stated “One of the hurdles we’ve always had to cross was how to get all Californians to think like burnt-out Haight-Ashbury refugees.  Then one day the light went on:  If we can get people to dress like burnt-out Haight-Ashbury refugees, they will start to think like them.  It is hoped that a side benefit of the legislation would be to drive any remaining rational people out of the state once and for all.  Everyone knows that there is no place in the California political debate for fact-based rational analysis, and it’s time for these people to just go away and stop harshing on us all the time.  Of course we would require them to continue to pay California taxes.  You know what they say:  You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.  Ha Ha.”

A comment was sought from the State Republican Party, but it was flat on it’s back, not breathing and with no discernable pulse.

Word has it that final touches are being put on the bill at this moment as legislators work out their color preferences and whether any synthetic materials should be permitted, or whether to add a $100.00 “Bullet Train” surcharge on the production of what some are already calling “the State Sandal”.  Also being considered is a rider to the bill to make Marijuana use mandatory in order for the government’s actions to be percieved as “sane” by the general public, though there is debate as to whether a stronger drug would be needed to produce that effect.

No real people other than myself contributed to this report.

Cross posted at Men Out of Work Blog