San Francisco and Los Angeles, two cities long isolated from the rest of the physical world and indeed from reality itself, were delivered a beam of hope on Tuesday when ground was broken on the Bullet Train Project by California Governor Jerry Brown.  Travel between the only two cities that really matter in California will now finally be possible.

As anyone with a decent IPO fortune or a journalism degree knows, there are only two cities in California – San Francisco and Los Angeles.  Everything that happens in California revolves around their needs.  A longtime problem has been the fact that to travel between these two points, An Important Person must leave their bubble and pass through long stretches of California’s icky outerlands, populated by working class people, heterosexuals and often *shudder* Republicans, making it difficult for our Politicians and Money Traffickers to maintain their delusion that these places and people don’t exist.  Long sought was a way for the Elite to get back and forth without having to soil their shoes among the commoners.  Many ideas for achieving this outcome have been floated over the years.  One suggestion was to build a giant 400 mile long replica of the Golden Gate Bridge between the two cities, an idea that was quickly scrapped as being “too cheap” and with “not enough downsides”.  The ideas to actually use the existing system of highways for automobile travel, or using readily available and cheap air travel between the dozens of airports in each vicinity were quickly dismissed as being too “reality based” or having been “done to death”.

A problem like this, that is to say a non-existent one, called for a solution that is really big – with a really big price tag.  A price tag with lots and lots of zeroes.  It needed to have a big residual price as well.  It wouldn’t suffice to just have a big one shot spend.  No – what was needed was something that we could spend big on…year after year for eternity.  It would also need a big governing board with highly paid board members so that termed out politicians could have jobs for life.  Next, it would have to be a colossally stupid idea…so sublimely idiotic that in California’s bizarro world it would seem cutting edge and futuristic.  And finally it would need a big reason to exist…We would need it to…to…dare I say it?  To Save The Planet!

Such a big pitch would require a Pitchman extraordinaire.  Legendary California mover and shaker Willie Brown (no relation) was approached to be front man for the project, but declined stating “Are you F***ing crazy?”  If someting of this scale was to be pulled off, it woud require a visionary with a healthy disregard for reality and public opinion.   Since no one has ever accused Governor Brown of not having a good imagination, sometimes bordering on the delusional, he seemed like a natural for the job.

So, the idea of a Bullet Train to save the Planet was born.  And what better way to fund a project like this than with Tax Money We Haven’t Collected Yet (and may never).  A big fantasy project calls for an even bigger fantasy revenue stream, and so since California’s carbon tax money must be used to save the planet after all, we’ve budgeted anticipated Carbon Tax revenues for the project.  And since everyone knows that government tax revenue projections are always spot on, we’re sure to have at least a fraction of the costs covered.  Can we afford it?  How can we not afford it?  The very future of the human race hangs in the balance.  Besides, if that doesn’t work it’ll be a great excuse to raise other taxes later on.  Did I say that out loud?  Never mind.

Thus, a new moon rises over California spreading beams of hope for our beleaguered betters in San Francisco and Los Angeles!  You don’t like the idea?  Why do you hate the planet?  Also – shut up!

So finally, in only a few short decades we’ll be able to shout:  All aboard California’s Bullet Train to Progressive Utopia!  No single use plastic shopping bags, bottled water or e-cigs allowed!  Thank you for your co-operation!